It’s my birthday this weekend.
And not just any birthday.
30. The big 3-0.
There. I’ve said it.
And isn’t admitting it part of the solution?
Don’t get me wrong; I’m excited to turn 30. It’s just that I feel very much as if I should have done more with my life by now.
Yes I’ve traveled. Finished lots of schooling. Worked. I have a wonderful husband and a lovely little boy who both make me happier than words can describe.
But sometimes, I still just feel empty.
I don’t know if it has to do with essentially walking away from my career to be a stay at home mom; a decision which I made over two years ago, and which, to this day, I still wonder whether it was the right one. I know that were I to go back to work, I wouldn’t be seeing any of Josh, except for on the weekends.
I would absolutely hate that.
But at the same time, I don’t know that I am cut out to be a stay at home mother either. I’m sure all stay at home mom’s get bored of the never ending rotation of play dough and play dates. I’m no exception.
So what’s the answer then?
I wish I knew.
And as I sit here, feeling myself slip precariously closer to “middle aged,” I think I need to take a moment to set some goals for myself this year.
Running more. Writing more. Exploring more.
I have tried to be a bit more adventurous recently exploring England and as Tim keeps reminding me, I only have one year left with Josh before he goes off and starts school. How did that happen?
So Tim and Josh, I’m making you both a promise on my birthday this year.
I want to learn, make memories and explore this little corner of the UK with you this next year. I will stop second guessing every decision I have ever made in life, and focus on the here and now. I will stop wishing I was back in California, buy a nice waterproof jacket and embrace our lovely life here in England.
After all, it’s only been six years.
I love you both with every inch of my being and thank you for making this old lady so very happy.